*Warning, this post may be more triggering than the rest of my blog. Proceed with caution*
3 years ago my ?goal? was something like this:
But now it?s something like this:
?
I have learned enough and gone far enough in my recovery to know that the first picture isn?t the best thing to aim for. I know that I am not built to look like that. I know that for me personally that is physically impossible. I embraced health and fitness, maybe a little too much. My abs do not look like that. I work out a lot, I run now that I have an indoor track (because it?s freezing outside) and treadmills and ellipticals to run on. I do 3 miles every time I run at least. I know I?ve only been here for just over a month but I have been working out for years and my body looks pretty much exactly the same as it did 3 years ago just with more fat and muscle. The number on the scale is higher than it was 3 years ago but I look the same.
I know that my eating disorder isn?t about my weight or body composition but it is so easy to focus on that. I switched trying to become a skinny waif and started trying to look like I was a body builder. Well, not that far, but I wanted more than just being toned.
At my cousin?s wedding over the summer my aunt looked at me and said, ?Aja, you?re looking fit,? and that was the best sentence I had ever heard regarding my body. It meant I was doing something right. All of my hard work was paying off. I was?noticeably fit. It wasn?t just something I had in my head anymore. It wasn?t just something I thought anymore. My body was showing off my hard work and that was awesome.
Since I?m in the dorms this year my Pilates schedule has been all messed up. I have 1 hour every Monday and Wednesday as a class but for some reason that never counts when I think about my workout for the day. I always end up running for another hour on those days. On the others I?m in the gym for an hour or more running and weight training, but not every day. Recently the weather has decided it is winter and even snowed yesterday so I haven?t made it to the gym since I?m still new to the fitness gear thing. All I have now are yoga pants and booty shorts and a few sports bras and tank tops. I bought some running shorts and a new tank over the summer but it?s not enough to work out every day at the rate I sweat. So I?ve missed the gym for a few days now and it is killing me. I know it?s not terrible. I?m walking considerably more here with classes being everywhere and food being a ten minute walk away from my room. But I am still?immensely bothered by the fact that I do not go to the gym every single day and that I do not look like that girl in the second picture. I am so irritated with myself that I bought candy corn at the grocery store today because I love it. I can?t believe I did that. I don?t need that crap in my body but I bought it anyway and, yes, I am eating it. I am so mad that I can?t get myself to eat salads for lunch and dinner because that is the only healthy option my dining hall offers. I am so upset that I can?t get rid of every last ounce of fat on my body.
I know what it all boils down to. I still haven?t adjusted to living here on my own completely. The thought of being married in 8 months with a job and an apartment is frightening. I?m learning that everything I learned in public school was a lie and that I do not know how to write a summary or do math, and that the only tests I can pass are open note tests and then I can?t even take notes. I?m feeling inadequate and worthless. I like that I?m learning, but when it comes to assignments I can?t do much. I have seriously considered dropping out a few times and I?m not even done with my first quarter. I?m thinking things I haven?t thought since freshman year of high school.
I want to lose weight even though I have no way to track that. I want to starve again. I was to hole myself up in my room and only come out for classes. I want to crawl in bed and just stay there because I can?t do anything write. Writing a paper and doing math is hard, but I feel like I should be able to get myself to stop eating shit and work out more. I feel like that shouldn?t be as hard as a summary or math, so since I can?t even do that I?m a complete and total failure. Just because I?m not focusing on being a waif anymore doesn?t mean I don?t have a problem. Just because my ?goal? has changed doesn?t mean I?m better.
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Source: http://writingandrecovering.wordpress.com/2012/10/23/my-goal-has-shifted/
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